My Humour Collection

A Jewish Deduction

The Bible dictates that "Thou shalt not seethe [=cook] a kid [= young goat] in his mother's milk." To avoid any possibility of breaking that regulation, the Jewish tradition ruled that it also applies to female goats, to mature goats, and to the meat and milk of two completely unrelated goats. It is also forbidden to eat the meat with fresh milk, and it applies to beef and mutten as well (including mixing the milk and meat of two different beasts). Finally, chicken, which are incapable of milk production, may not be eaten along with any mammal's milk either.

We are fortunate that most mathematicians were not Jewish. Otherwise, it would have been forbidden to divide by all numbers between -1 and 1.

This bit used to appear on my signature for a short while, but people got mad because it was too long, so I replaced it.

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I used to be arrogant. Now I'm simply perfect.

Ronen Borshack (my cousin)

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If the ancient Greeks had invented UNIX, Murphy's Law would have been known as Aristotle's Law.
Had they invented MS-Windows, Murphy's Law would have been known as the Law of Socrates.

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Microsoft's slogan used to be "Microsoft - making it all make sense."
Today it should be: "Microsoft - making everything make sense. Ours."

And another twist:
"Microsoft - friendliness is our outstanding quality. No matter how much we mess up your computer work, we will always consider you our friend."

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The American Lottery - all you need is a dollar and a dream. We will take the dollar, but you can keep the dream.

(One of my previous E-mail signatures)

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I don't believe in fairies. Oops! A fairy died.
I don't believe in fairies. Oops! Another fairy died.

I don't really know who said it, so it's possible that I invented it.

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:)-<
 +--

Moses the Smiley

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The prefix "God Said" has the extraordinary logical property of converting any statement that follows it into a true one.

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Deltas to "Shit Happens" according to Religions:

Judaism: God knows you will do shit, does nothing to prevent it, but makes you take the blame for it anyways.

Or alternatively:

God is all the shit, all the non-shit and all the intermediate demi-shits in between.

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Let's interpret the past according to the present and not the present according to the past.

(From an E-mail discussion with Ben Pfaff)

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"Computer Sciense is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes"

Edsgar W. Dijkstra

"C programming is no more about computers than astronomy is about stars."

Shlomi Fish

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A more experienced programmer does not make less bugs. He just realizes what went wrong more quickly.

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I promised, I forgot, I broke my promise - just shoot me and get on with it!

Potentially some famous last words, I also came up with this bit, and I'm not sure if I heard it before.

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The first phrase that need to be taught when teaching a new language is how to say "Do you speak English?".

The first thing that needs to be taught when teaching a new computer tool is how to exit it.

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If:
1. A is A.
2. A is not not-A.
does it also imply that:
1. B is B.
2. B is not not-B.

If you don't understand it, either forget it or consult the following threads: Usenet, Haifa Linux Club

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I know I'm blond, but I have to colour my hair brown, so people would not think I'm stupid. Because, like the title of the book says: "You've only got Three Seconds".

Actually, since Dad has two books like that, you've only got six seconds.

Noa Fish (my sister, whose hair is naturally brown)

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Re-inventing the Wheel

He who re-invents the wheel, will understand much better how a wheel works.

Or:

He who re-invents the wheel, may actually invent a much better wheel.

Nadav Har'El's response was:

He who re-invents the wheel will likely design a square wheel and spend a year trying to figure out why it doesn't work properly.

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IMO, C++ supports Object-Oriented Programming roughly as much as COBOL supports Functional Programming.

You have to be a relatively experienced hacker to get this joke. So don't worry if you don't understand it.

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Sometimes you don't need to be familiar with a better alternative to know that something sucks. Take Microsoft Word for example.

Eran Keidar (my friend)

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The difference between a good student and a bad student is that a bad student forgets the material five minutes before the test, while a good student five minutes afterwards.

Hugo Krawczyk

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I hope that if it was not clear before, it is not less clear now.

Dov Levin

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away. Two apples a day will keep two doctors away.

Falk Fish (my father)

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[Discussing the shortage of IT workers as of 1998 on E-mail]

Shlomi Fish to Omer Zak: "Even the NSA doesn't have enough programmers. But it is not likely that they will have more and that's because 'Summerschool at the NSA' may might as well be the name of Sarah Michelle Gellar's next movie."

Omer Zak to Shlomi Fish: "And as opposed to 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' it is going to be scary."

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Objective philosophy is like a pencil sharpener for one's mind.

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From Hackers-IL message No. 2465:

>
> Shlomi,
>
> Have you ever considered taking a Turing test? ;-)
>

<sarcasm>
Sure I did. I sat at one point of an IRC channel, and someone tested me. Eventually it was discovered that I am a computer, but it turned out the other side was an Eliza program. Strangely enough, I could not detect that the latter fact was true.
</sarcasm>

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Shlomi: Hi, Noa!

Noa: Don't "Hi, Noa!" me.

Shlomi: Don't "Don't 'Hi, Noa!' me" me!

Shlomi Fish and Noa Fish

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Shlomi, I'm considering naming a corollary of Godwyn's law after you - any discussion of anything is over when you mention Freecell Solver.

Muli Ben-Yeuhuda on #kernelnewbies (irc.kernelnewbiews.org)

Muli: BTW, I think that any discussion only begins to gain momentum when I mention Freecell Solver.

Shlomi Fish on #offtopic (irc.kernelnewbies.org)

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There's no point in keeping an idea to yourself since there's a 10 to 1 chance that somebody already has it and will share it before you.

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You are banished! You are banished! You are banished! - hey, I'm just kidding!

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My opinions may seem crazy but they all make sense. Insane sense, but sense nonetheless.

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[Discussing Foreign Languages Knowledge in the U.S.A]

Ben Collins-Sussman: Tis' true, unlike Europe, the language doesn't change every 100 miles.

Shlomi Fish: And unlike England, the accent does not change every 10 miles.

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What happened to Christopher Michael Pilato?
Is he gone?
Is he gone for good?
Is he gone for better?
Is he gone for best?
Is he gone forever?
Will he return?
Who is Christopher Michael Pilato, anyway?

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In Philosophy, as much as in software engineering, you don't get credit for originality. What matters is the final product, not who came up with the idea for each feature first.

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He has a high degree of idealism, a high degree of stubbornness, and an even higher degree of inability to distiniguish between the two.

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Hacker sees bug. Hacker fixes bug.

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IRPWUG announces project "What you see is what you think"

My attempt at one of those computer industry related "news-flashes", that are hanging around the net. Describes a project by the IRPWUG organization that aims at making Microsoft Windows 95 reflect the way its users feel about it...

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